anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
eating a weed cupcake with nutella on top at work. i AM a star!
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