I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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