I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She called me Jeff during sex, I just kept going like nothing happened. To think, if I was a woman that would be a problem.
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
We got a 5L jug of wine for 3 Euro. Italy was a good choice.
i was enjoying my post acid trip trance a little too much. i found $50 on the sidewalk but didnt pick it up. just stared at the bill cuz it looked cool.
someone picked it up and i stared at the ground where it was for probably another minute or 2
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Randomize
