I heard it from a little bird bananas is gonna be there
Is this bird reliable bc I don't wanna be wasted running around the bar asking where bananas is
I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Randomize
