he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
he said he would handcuff me to his penis. thats not even possible. i want to go home.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I just ran into the woods like an idiot because ADVENTURE.
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
being serenaded is actually kind of awkward 2/10 do not reccommend
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
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