need another drink. this is the easiest way
So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Randomize
