Chill out big head. its weird when girls look at dudes asses
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I vaguely remember making out with his tattoo (?) and giving him an awesome massage and then I passed out on his floor. Shrug
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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