So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Well I had to use a seat cushion at Soul Cycle today so, yeah, I'd say the sex was good
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
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