There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
