Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Any chance I can buy my dignity back with $45?
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
