I got called a slut by a bunch of girls that work at Hooters..wtf is that shit? explain that to me
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
all adderall does is make me the grand champion of using wikipedia.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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