i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
