I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
