I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
He was singing "i gotta feeling" under his breath as i was pulling my top off.
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
