Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
True story: Just left my solo cup on a cop car. Yesss
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Where the hell did you pick this girl up? She just licked my cat and stole our last poptart.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
I just saw the co founder of Waffle House passed away Friday. Are you okay?
That's about the same time my life started falling apart... Coincidence?!?!? I think NOT!!!
Randomize
