Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...
Having vodka and cokes for lunch at work today because absolutely ZERO fucks are being given.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
