come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
pretty sure I called you last night to sing Hebrew to you.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
We were kinda loud so his roommate woke up and to make up for it he invited him to a threesome. I can't drink whiskey anymore.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
