true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
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