You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
well you decided to make everyone "drinks" which was sprite and beer mixed.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Serious question: Should I volunteer to get tazered? My instincts say no but my wild side says yes.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
