could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
