Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
