If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
Randomize
