i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
We left an ass print on the piano.
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Randomize
