Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more
After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
