Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
Well I typed "penicillin a" into the search engine and before I could finish "penicillin and drinking" popped up. Google knows me too well.
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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