You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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