So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
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