Think the blond can even spell "shiksa"?
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
My professor laid down on the floor and told us a story that involved being naked covered in Vaseline with a pumpkin on your head. No lie. This is going to be a great semester.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
