never. drinking. again.
lets not get ahead of ourselves.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I don't really know I'm just giving her a key to get back in and the "don't get pregnant speech" and leaving it at that.
The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
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