I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
He's a downgrade and it was quick. But it was dick nonetheless.
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