A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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