So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah. I don't know. I'm just gonna show up at her place on valentines day with a jock strap, box of chocolates, and rose clenched between my ass cheeks with "be mine" written across my glorious man titties.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Randomize