i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
Randomize
