i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
My breasts were aching with rage.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
