Should I feel badly because I just bought a really hot pregnant girl a drink after I lit her cigarette?
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
And we just chatted casually as i peed on the floor and she peed in the toilet
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
