Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.
I'm hiding out in the living room until he falls back asleep. If he catches a whiff of my tits, it's all over. I just need to play it cool. Babies can smell fear
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Randomize
