I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Just made a memo in my blackberry that contains seth's funeral arrangements. I have a feeling he has big plans for the weekend.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Apparently i disappeared and no one found me until the morning , but i have fifty missed calls
Randomize
