I heard we made out
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
