i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
Don't worry. I has chaperone.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Randomize
