At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
Randomize
