your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.
we're not divorced.
its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I don't have the resources to adequately explain this. I need like a Powerpoint presentation and also Vodka.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Randomize
