We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Randomize
