Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I just blew my weed a kiss
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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