woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'
i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I woke up while eating peanut butter from a jar. I don't think I should be social today.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
