I think I died a long time ago.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
Hypothetical question: If I threw up in the dishwasher do I clean it up or just turn it on? :(
i think i should save myself the $200 for a prom dress. i mean why bother. its just going to be covered in vodka/jizz/and puke by the end of the night.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
I slept with a Brazillian Man, That's why I'm Watching The World Cup
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
Randomize
