Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I know. He gave me a hug and i was like jesus i can just feel the std through your sweatshirt
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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