I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just gift wrapped bread.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
Gonna open a taco bell in colorado. Millions bro.
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
definitely good. no good can come from sex in a very full public venue.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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