cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Randomize
