i mean you're really good at taking the morning after pill...so you could put that on your resume..
yeah, i think fast in a bad sitatuion and am able to react with appropriate measures
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I really need to curb my attractions to blondes with tattoo sleeves, firearms and alcoholism
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Randomize
