Spotted: forty year old in red dress, cigarette in hand, squatting to pee by railroad tracks. Hello future.
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
For an hr, you were convinced you no longer had a right arm so you played Super Mario Bros with just your left hand vs Beth. You won btw, mite b why she refused to wear the unicorn head
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
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