idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
Randomize
