There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
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I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
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When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
what a classic moment of my life. A buffet of taco bell and a taser gun.
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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