So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
i have no concept of time, i feel my nose, and im seeing everything in bitty hexagons.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
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