Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
She took off her pants and it was like seeing an old friend.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
Randomize
