You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
I'm passing your future prison.
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
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