My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
and then he started using my ass as a stressball
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My friend wants your phone number so you can teach her how to take a beer bong. She saw you doing them last night and got jealous.
Just tell her to open her throat. I don't want to talk to anyone who is jealous of someone who woke up this morning with a cat in their shirt as a result of that glorious beer bonging skill.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
I want to fling myself into the sun
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
