I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
The only thing I remember about us having sex is yelling at him to choke me.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
