Well i threw up in my mouth a few times. But i successfully swallowed it. Still going strong.
you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
can someone explain to me why i woke up under a twister sheet
well i was about to unbutton his pants but then i realized they had an elastic waste-band, so no, that didnt happen
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Randomize
